The (deeper) discovery of my true self — and the ultimate result: this book!
An indomitable desire to live in freedom as I really am, without dogmatic beliefs, without masks or pretensions, brings me into contact with courses in personal and spiritual development. Although these lead to moments of profound happiness and inner knowing, after a while I feel disappointed again as those awarenesses fade, just to become memories.
My curiosity and drive to find the ultimate keep me going — I cannot rest in a world where everyone seems to be ‘fake’ and whose behaviour is so transparently lacking in authenticity. When I ask question about real truth, love and freedom, I all too often see a frown appear, invariably followed by something along the lines of: “Why, what a silly question! You’re always so difficult! God knows all the answers and you have to trust Him. Just have another sweet, another biscuit…”
Disillusioned, I withdraw into myself; in the process, my faith in the loving God of the Church shatters. I feel alone and wonder what is wrong with me.
With my ‘radar system’ — my inherent sensitivity — I perceive the beauty and love of my fellow human beings. At the same time, I also perceive ugliness and dissent. “Who am I actually seeing? Who is this other person, and who am I really?” I want to be loving and free, but I feel like a disgruntled outsider, a foundling who does not fit into the picture my caring parents seem to have of me.
With the move around my puberty to a village in Friesland, depression hits hard. Desperately, I try to hold on…